Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
