I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
