Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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