the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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