ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
