And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
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She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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