the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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