she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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