do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
