at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
