It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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