I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
