Sry I called you an 8
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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