Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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