please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
