i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
