I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
