I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
