Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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