I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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