So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
