Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
