Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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