Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
