if only i could text you this smell
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
