so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
