You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
She needs sedatives and a leash
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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