her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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