I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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