Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
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All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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