Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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