atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
