also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
