Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
