why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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