i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
