It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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