if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
