Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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