I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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