Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
