We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
