I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
