you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I need moral support for this bender
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
