I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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