New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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