you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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