i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
