I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
