The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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