i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
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I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
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I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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