woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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