I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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