1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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