My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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