I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
