True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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