I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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