My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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