When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
