I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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